12-02-2013 - ASHTMA - Inspiration from Source. In release, we control the chaos. In peace, we find home.

Over 3300 are killed by Asthma annually in the US - something like nine a day. Last night - I sat in the car, in a driveway in Abington, MA - and stopped breathing. To get any oxygen seemed to take an eon. I longed for a Singulaire. I envisioned Albuterol. I thought about death. I asked my husband to go inside and get some Turmeric to sniff as it has been a homeopathic way to help me deal with allergy related asthma. I did all this even though I have not had an asthma attack since March of this year. 

Why? I was leaving for "home" from "vacation" last night. Yuck. As it does many times these days when returning to PA, I felt like I was leaving home to go to the place I live. Or more accurately, as I have realized frequently in the past few months - I was leaving a place of inner peace to throw myself back into chaos. This time, though - I was really dragging my feet. 

I run my own business and it is one filled with stressed out people. I used to thrive on it. I will not say I was happy - but I will admit that I was distracted by the emotion of it, by the madness of it. I used to use the chaos as an escape from listening to my own needs and avoiding more real emotions. Heck - I used to shop on Black Friday and "enjoyed" it. But now....

I'm sure most people who have lots of responsibility have this feeling. In the midst of the chaos of life, we have trouble focusing on the peace at the center. We become explosive reactors - rather than still calm pools that refresh and fulfill. We run into confrontation to cover the fact that we are freaking out. We curse over stupid things, instead of feeling blessed. We don't touch people out of fear that they will shrug us off.

On our escape (my alternate word for 'vacation') this last week, all the outbursts of others simply were not our concern. Gavin and I returned to a feeling we had as teenagers together. We let ourselves just enjoy every moment and not think of the past, and not think of the future. We turned off the anxiety of life and tuned into each other, into family, into love. I hardly checked emails! (Those who know me are in shock, I know). 

This bliss is what every day should be.

We both know, though, that when we come back to PA, that responsibility awaits. Mine, running a 300 seat theater, and Gavin's so much worse. As we moved closer to departure time, my stress began to rise in anticipation of his stress. And of course, if I stress out, it exacerbates his stress. I pushed it down and in, rather than just accepting it and letting it out gently. I censored.

In trying to hold in all of my emotion, more was created. My body tightened, my eyes ached, my heart squeezed. At the critical moment of departure - the anxiety of leaving and one well placed hug triggered the worst asthma encounter I have had since March 15, 2013. At about 10:58 p.m. last night, I stopped breathing.

Then I remembered that I have been training for this day. I turned inwards and asked for help. "You do not need external help. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Let go." I did. And as the breath came in, tears began to flow out. Oh. As I took a second breath, more tears. OH. Do I have asthma from avoiding truth? The voice said, "usually." That would make a hell of a lot of sense about why it got so bad over the last 15 years, and why it went away in March.

My friend came back out with the bottle, concern etched on his face. I looked at him and said, "It's not allergies. I'm not mad about driving. I just don't want to leave. I don't want to go home. I didn't want to say that because I didn't want to stress you out." He nodded and said, "I'll drive." I shook my head and said, "No, I'll be fine now." And I was.

I took a breath. I let go. I accepted the emotions that I had been pushing off. I took a breath. I let go. I accepted that I do NOT thrive on stress. I thrive on peace. I thrive on love. Repeat. I had almost passed out. Once I listened and I allowed myself to accept, and release - once I let the tears flow out - the breaths rolled in. The mind is a freakishly powerful thing.

I have known for awhile that "home" is not a physical place, it is a feeling. We are trained to "seek success" - to reach outside for fulfillment . But success is not a destination, inner peace is success. I am truly blessed. Rather than escaping into chaos, no matter where I am, I have an internal GPS to help me find my way home. 

That little house in a big field really is calling to me and the voice in my head keeps saying, "Soon." For now though - the voice just says - "release, let go. Love. And breathe."

Namaste.

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